Smut Meme.

OK, so I've been tagged by Gempires with this saucy little meme, which means it's time to cast my mind back through the dry and dusty months of late to more fertile days of yore, when I actually had a sex life. You're welcome to post it on your blogs. You must call it the Smut Meme, you must link to me in the beginning paragraph, and you must tag two people, and link to them as well. Oh, and you must post this little blurb of instructions at the beginning, as has been done here.

Which reminds me. If you've come here for the first time in search of arts criticism and theatre reviews? This may not be the best post for you...

As for the rest of you, oh brave readers? Onwards!

1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream?

To be honest, neither have a place in my menu of carnal activities, though I'm quite fond of slurping alcohol out of a man's belly button or from between his pectorals, or swapped in a kiss, it should be said. And of course, a mouthful of champagne adds pleasure to a blow job if you're going down on an especially sensitive man due to the combination of a mouth full of cold liquid when he's expecting enveloping warmth; and the bubbles.

2. Leather or PVC

Again, neither. I don't really have a fetish for any particular garments or fabrics, save for ripping them off in a lustful frenzy, or peeling them away slowly and seductively while showering the newly exposed skin beneath with a madness of kisses.

3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex

Oh, definitely outdoors: an alleyway, a park, pulled over at the side of the road on the way to Newcastle; wherever the moment takes you. The risk of discovery adds thrill; the spontaneity of such raw need so expressed adds passion. That said, one of the most best times I've made love (because that's what it was: rich and slow and sensual) was indoors, in front of a gas fire in the loungeroom on a cold winter's night in Northcote. Mmmmm.

4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed?

Both have their pleasures. A jacuzzi supports, but the wrinkling factor if you're a long time lover can be slightly offputting, as can the fact that I don't actually have access to a jacuzzi (or a spa bath, as we'd call it here in Australia - you can tell that an American wrote these questions, can't you?) except somewhere far too public. That said, the covert stroking and touching beneath obscuring bubbles when those nearby have (hopefully) no idea of what you're up to can be quite a thrill...

5. Bad Sex or No Sex

No sex, definitely. Bad sex is the reason masturbation was invented; having a wank is definitely more satisfying and less complicated than an unsatisfying roll in the hay.

6. Dominate or Be Dominated

Both, please. Sometimes I want to be held gently but firmly down while I strain and struggle and gasp beneath a lover as he laughs, and thrusts and teasingly licks the tip of my nose. At other times I want to feel the muscles in his shoulders rolling beneath my hands as he struggles beneath me. Sex is like food: the same diet of even the finest dishes grows wearying after time.

7. Thigh highs or Bodystocking

Neither. Who do you think I am, Jane Fonda in Barbarella or something?

8. Fast or Slow

Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Definitely both, please. Sometimes alternating, at other times one or the other, depending on the man and the mood. You know how I said sex is like food? It's also like music. Sometimes I want punk rock, at other times a ballad. There's times when it's lust, pure and simple, with an equally simple and urgent tempo. Then there's romantic; when I want languid, considered and sensual. At other times I want a mix tape that segues from one to the other and back again over the running time of a C90...

9. Rough or Gentle

Didn't I just answer this question?

10. Bite or Suck

I couldn't have put it better than Gempires on this one:

"You idiot, there is no OR here. There are things to bite and there are things to suck and sometimes each is both and sometimes both are each."

Hear hear.

11. Role play or Reality

Reality, please. It's one of the bonuses of being single, I suspect. If I want to be fucked by a fireman I'll bloody well go out and try and find one. It's also, paradoxically, probably the reason I am single...

12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To

There's a time and a place for both; which is probably not when your mum is sleeping in the next room. Provided you don't talk to me in the banal text of bad porn films, then you can say pretty much whatever you want; and being someone who (hopefully) knows the value of a well-chosen word, I'll endevour to do the same. You handsome brute.

13. Edible panties or No Panties

In my experience, gay and bisexual men generally don't wear panties (although there was that young bloke just out of jail, who I fucked that time at the Kingsgate Hotel, now you mention it...). Watching a guy strip, or helping divest him of his clothes, and discovering he's going commando can certainly be fun; but there's also an added pleasure in momentarily delaying the grand unveiling...

14. Spanking paddle or Bare-handed

Neither do it for me. In gay terms, I'm kinda vanilla.

15. Landing Strip or Kojak

I've never understood this contemporary mania for divesting oneself of your pubes; it strikes me as symptomatic of our culture's mania for youthfullness taken to an unhealthy degree. Give me a man au naturel, thanks very much; pulling the occasional short and curly out of your mouth is the price we pay for puberty.

16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck

Both!

17. Moaning or Screaming

Moaning, groaning, gasping, thrashing around in ecstasy; yes. Screams sound too much like pain for my liking.

18. Older (Wo)men or Young (Wo)men

Younger men. I've always dated men who are 5-10 years younger than myself for some reason. Why? Psychological evaluations on the back of a postcard/in the comments section, please.

19. Threeway or No Way

Provided I fancy both the men in a threeway equally, no worries. Although there was that fivesome with me, three guys (one gay, one bi, one 'straight') and a woman in a toilet at The Peel that time...

20. Swing or No Swinging

You have to have a partner to swing, don't you? And having experienced the complexity of negotiating an open relationship once previously, I'll pass on swinging, thank you - unless we both really, really want it.


And now we're done. I tag Yarraville Paul and Ms Fits: you're it!